but LA trip was really fun, maybe its because i had be all alone since yao went back to indonesia and no one is really around in san diego. then all of a sudden i met people, it really felt nice. especially familiar faces that you want to see, it makes it even better. thank god everyone in jeff's house are nice to me. i was there for a week and i don't even have clothes to change, thinking about it im pretty dumb. i brought like 6 underwears with only 2 shirt , 1 pants and 1 jeans. isnt that plain dumb. 6 underwear for the planned 4 days, 2 just incase of wetdreams. HAHAHA nah joking. 

i was looking through facebook, and i know this is none of my business. i wonder how does billy feels. like seeing his ex taking pictures with another guy, having fun falling in love. like that kinda feeling, like you know. WHAT THE HELL? its kinda sad although its none of my business. i don't want to go through the same thing, although i am pretty sure that i will go through that because EVERYONE has to. i wonder how does my roommate feels, seeing his ex and a new guy right infront of him. i really admire him... he can take it so cool. hahahahaha.

man its so late and i can't type properly, my english is just plain screwed up lately. 

1.) my roommate is a true man

2.) mr bruin is really logical to the extent he can get too dumb because of logic

3.) mr surf city is really a nice guy and you gotta admit girls fall such niceness.

4.) stelomylo is just plain lazy, but shes cute like that.

man what is the point of this entry? i don't know.

but 1 thing is for sure, LA trip gave me hope. and i will never let anyone take that hope away from me. no one ! 

even i myself have long forgotten this thing, call blog. a place where you can write or you want, a place where you can rant and no one will know ( as least i think no one will know ).

or have i grew up so fast and changed so much that i forgot about blogging.

today is tuesday, september 2nd 2008. 

i can't remember where was the last time i actually blog or wrote an entry. everyday just slipped by so fast i couldn't even remember what to jot down. but one thing is for sure, its not because life was too good that i forgotten to blog. it feels more like its a hassle to write down everything you do, or maybe its just because im too afraid to write it down. i don't want to remember. too many things i don't want to look back and too many things i don't want to look forward to, especially unpleasant things. sometimes i'm scared of tomorrow, because the state i am in now, i know that tomorrow won't be any better. 

i remember how i always rant about love, how i talk about it and how it should be, this that and talking about how i feel each time love/relationship things/shits happened. now that im twenty, i don't know if im still the same. it just doesn't seem that important anymore. seems like from my last relationship with her, i couldn't care less anymore about girls. although the truth is that ultimately, i can't escape from "love".  yeah i know it sounds crappy, okay it is crappy. but it just feels like there are more things to worry about. sometimes im really envious of people who are naive, falling in love then getting hurt. consulting friends about relationship problems, it feels like as if i see a reflection of myself in the past. 

i should start worrying, about. 

life, instead.

cause i can really feel, that this chapter is really closing. this chapter, schooling, studying, all the fun times. i don't know why but it just feel like there will be no more fun time after schooling. you know how you carry books, rushing to class, sometimes bumping into some hot girls just like those dramas. and then you talk to them, eat after school and watch movie. i wonder if such a life will exist for me after i finish school. not that i am afraid of changes, but rather this is an irreversible change. not something you do and you can undo it, one wrong step and you will be out of sync. 

i wonder how will my life be 10 years from now. broke, ordinary or rich. it seems to me that as i get older, things are getting even and more practical, erm realistic. i just can't get the idea of money out of my mind. it feels as if i can trade away all my happiness for all the money in the world. i don't know why i think that way. although i know deep down inside, i still yearn for happiness. that i will choose happiness, a happy family of my own over tons of money. BUT wouldn't it be great if i have both. but it just seems like the two of them does not coexist. if i have a son, i will make him enjoy his youth as much as possible. 

oh btw i'm still twenty. some people think that i should still continue enjoying my life. ( yes i really want to ) but I CAN'T. because of some circumstances in life that i can't disclose. 

andre, i dont know why you said i deserve every good thing that life has to offer. why do i even deserve it in the first place? 

whatever it is, i'm not gonna fucking fail my life. i won't let it happen no matter what. 

絶対に。